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Showing posts from February, 2016

Cockneys Vs Zombies (2012) Film Review. Directed by Matthias Hoene, distributed by StudioCanal,and Shout Factory.

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The title says it all,we have a heist movie,crossed with a zombie outbreak,with a rescue from a nursing home thrown in for good measure,oh and one of the residents of the nursing home happens to be a retired Gangster who knows his way round a weapon or too. A film that Stars Honor Blackman,Richard Briars,in his last credited role, with Ex Eastenders, and Wonder Woman,Michele Ryan,with Harry Treadaway,from Penny Dreadful, and recently The Honeymoon, the best character of cause is played by Alan Ford, or Ray Maguire the ex Gangster,who is known for playing similar roles,especially in Lock Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels,Snach,and the Sweeny.
It is yet another Zombie outbreak movie,but what makes it so different,is the characters we are routing for,are geriatric pensioners,who just because they have had a long life,are not prepared to be on the menu. Yes it is a typical Apples,and Pears type cockney slang of a movie,but is actually thoroughly enjoyable. With surprisingly good acting from a…

Doghouse (2009) Film Review. Directed by Jake West.Distributed by Sony Pictures US.

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Danny Dyer, is like Marmite you either love him or hate him,to be honest I like the geeza,I liked him in Human Traffic, The Football Factory,The Buisness,Severence, Outlaw,before he started doing only VOD titles,and got his starring break in Eastenders. With Stephen Graham,the lovable Scouser,who is better known in the US as Al Capone in Broadwalk Empire,and Noel Clarke,who earlier is known for his work on Dr Who,and is a very successful writer,and director himself these days, with Adulthood,4.3.2.1 and the Anomaly to his directing bow.
Coming out the same year as Lesbian Vampire Killers,this has been wrongly compared to that film,but in my opinion,is so much better,a film that actually is funny,with great banter between the male characters. To get over the divorce of one of their good friends they travel to this village,that is well known to have a ratio of four women to every man,in the hope of pulling and getting laid. The problem is the Army are covering up a biological agent,that ha…

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009) Film Review. Directed by Steve Clarke-Hall. Distributed by Momentum Pictures UK, The Weinstein Company USA,Paramount Australia.

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Just because two comedy friends Matthew Horne and James Cordon,make a very successful,and funny sitcom in Gavin and Stacy,it doesn't cross over into a great comedy film,and this is prime example of that. A film that is so disappointingly bad it is hard to express into words. A story of two losers from London,who travel to a little village in Norfolk,which happens to have a curse on it,and every woman over the age of 18 turns into a lesbian Vampire at night.
Yes we have the usual girl on girl action,with the usual super gorgeous women,that obviously all us men are wanting to see,with tits out,and flesh on display,and thankfully it is not James Cordon. A film that more bloodshed,and action scenes are put in,to pad out a 80 minute plus film,that could have worked just as well as a 5 minute comedy sketch.
So disappointing as Gavin and Stacy in the UK was genuinely heartwarming,and a really funny comedy,this is neither funny,or gory enough to be either a horror,or comedy, a film that put t…

Big Tits Zombie (2010) Film Review. Directed by Takao Nakano Distributed by TMC (Total Media Corporation)

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An exploitation flick from Japan,starring some of their  biggest adult entertainment stars, Sola Aoi,Risa Kasumi,and Mari Sakurai. It is  meant to be a parody of modern Japanese life. A film that I thought was just dreadful.

I'm being maybe a little harsh on it as I had no subtitles,and I certainly do not speak or understand Japanese,but the plot to be honest wasn't the hardest to follow,without subtitles I got the idea of it,a bunch of strippers who reads from some ancient manuscripts,and somehow wake the dead.

They fight back with Samurai swords,chainsaws,and we have many scenes like the fight in Kill Bill,but on speed,yes it is made with tongue firmly in cheek,and the girls are stunningly gorgeous,with boobs,and G stings on display for most of the movie. Does this make it titillating enough to watch,well no,not really.

Sometimes naked flesh is not enough to hide serious bad flaws in a movie, when comedy/horror works it is amazing,such as Shawn Of The Dead, Zombieland,Wyrmw…

Suicide Club (2001) Film Review. Directed by Sion Sono. Distributed byEarthrise (Japan) TLA releasing (Worldwide)

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Suicide Club,the most depraved film I have seen,but netherless still a strangely watchable film,that you need to watch, kind of like a car crash,that you know you  shouldn't look at,but a part of you is still drawn to looking. An opening that is the most shocking in motion picture history of 54 teenage girls,who hold hands and throw themselves in front of a moving train,with the train unable to stop,as all the blood,stops the brakes from working,with a mangled mess of body parts,and a ridiculous about of blood.
The Police believe it to be a teenage cult thing,a strange ideal about fitting in,but when more suicides in the city,and more teenage kids jump off a school roof,a murder investigation is opened. With a blogger called "the cat" who has found a link between a website,and the number of people dying,with also a  suspected girl group called Dessert, who  maybe through there lyrics are spreading subliminal messages to the masses to kill themselves.
Like most Easten ci…

OldBoy (2013) Film Review. Directed by Spike Lee. Distributed by Universal Pictures.

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Old boy 2013, another film that needn't have been remade,directed by Spike Lee,who in my opinion last decent film was Summer Of Sam. Staring the usually reliable Josh Brolin,the story of a man imprisoned for many years for no crime committed,in an unknown location,with access to food,toilet,and a TV.

A man who finds out during his time in captivity,that his wife has moved on,his daughter's whereabouts are also unknown,an adult herself now. During his time he watches all the news events happen 9\11,changes in Presidential Candidates,he also becomes incredible fit,with multiple sit ups,press ups,learning a martial art.

Then he is released back into the world,from a suitcase,angry his life,and years have been taken away from him,with a determination to find answers to who had him contained and why?

Although this has a lot of references to the original film,it is not a shot for shot remake,which I suppose stoped it from being totally awful,with some very violent scenes of torture…

Amnesiac (2015) Film Review. Directed by Michael Polish. Distributed by XLrator Media.

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Amnesiac,let me introduce you to possibly the most boring,and tedious film I have seen in some time,starring Kate Bosworth and Wes Bently,I believe it to be a psychological thriller,but in my definition of a thriller is to have at least some thrills,this has absolutely none. Another touture,type film in the vain of Return To Sender,and Misery,but not done anywhere near as good. A story of a man who wakes up in a huge room,attached to a drip,with a severe head injury,unsure of who he is,as he has no memory,with a woman caring for him,saying she is his wife.
That is the story I'm afraid,with nothing happening at all in the first 25 minutes,with little dialogue, no omph,it is only when Wes finds a body of another male,that he realises this woman maybe isn't his wife,and we have a battle of wills,and survival,when even this is done with little tension,or completely devoid of any threat or chills.
Such a shame that two normally talented actors,opted to star in this,they obviously want…

Unfriended (2015) Film Review Directed by Levan Gabriadze. Distributed by Universal Pictures.

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Now I should have realised when I saw this poster,from the producer of The Purge, and Ouija, two of the most disappointing horror films in recent years. Why oh why did I think this was going to be different. I was so right with my first assumption. Yes we have a film that so called happens in real time,all Online,with friends all in a chat room,talking using Skype. Exactly a year after their friend Laura,who committed suicide,due to an embarrassing viral video of her on YouTube. 
The dead girls call name logs in,the friends at first think it is a sick prank,and make numerous attempts to block her out,they even believe it could be another girl playing the sick joke, but when Val joins the chat,and embarrassing photos of her appears online smoking dope,and she is threatened,she phones the Police,and drops from the Skype call. The call name is billie227,and actually belongs to the dead girl Laura. Who manages to manipulate the social media in such a way,that people start killing themselv…

The Canal (2014) Film Review.Directed by Ivan Kavanagh. Produced by Park Films,Treasure Entertainment,Western Edge Pictures.

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This was a film I have seen on Netflix for sometime,apart from the title giving me a little giggle, it certainly didn't look anything special,it is even advertised as a murder mystery film on IMDb. How utterly wrong I was, a Scandinavian,Irish Lottery funded project,and in all honestly the second best film I have seen this year,being a very close second to Last Shift.
A simple ghost story of a haunted house,a sewer pipe,and a local Canal nearby, when a young couple move into this house everything is perfect,we cut to five years later,and the couple have a four year old son,but the husband David is suspecting his wife Alice of having an affair,with late night texts to her phone,and meetings with handsome men,she calls contacts for her work. Around the same time David is seeing paranormal sights and sounds in his house.
I'm really not going to say anymore about this film,as you really need to see for yourself,but it really is disturbingly good,absolutely really frightening in places…

Ouija (2014) Film Review. Directed by Stiles White. Distributed by New Line Pictures.

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Another Disappointment of a film,and it stars a really talented actress Olivia Cooke who was fantastic in the Signal,also very good in her role in The Quiet Ones,shame that film was a pile of turd,then this one. Another big budget Horror from New Line Pictures,who were a great independent company in the 80's and Nineties,but were taken over by Time Warner in the 2000's. And big studio interference shows. A non scary, same as any other big budget Horror film.

That isn't even clever enough to create its own scares,and has to resort to the usual jump scares to get any reactions. We have the usual good looking cast members again,whom never seem to represent any characters or people we see in real life. Perfect looking,perfect hair,looks,makeup,and teeth.
And we are expected to care about them when anything happens. Well no I really could not give a crap. Shame as a film messing about with the dead and unknown could have been very good. But like other big budget films Like Insi…

The Lazarus Effect. (2015) Film Review. Directed by David Gelb. Distributed by Lionsgate.

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Sometimes dead is better,and that was apparent in the Movie Pet Cemetery,when the dead should never be resurrected,the same with this movie,with scientists deciding to play God.
If you die,it is  meant to be.

 When on a Government granted project supposed to be researching ,on stroke,and comatose patients,to revive the Brain function.they are actually using the same practice to wake a deceased brain. The first with a gorgeous dog named Rocky. Then eventually on a human being,with Olivia Wilde being the first human test subject,as an accident in the lab, leaving her electrocuted and very much dead,her partner,and Colleague trys the same serum on her nicknamed the Lazarus serum to resurrect her.

 The problem is the serum creates extreme,and other functions to the brain,unlocking the potential to use more of your brain capacity, humanly possible. Also bringing back a part of the afterlife with her,including maybe visions of Hell,and the evil she has returned with, due to a mistake as a …

White Noise (2005) Film Review. Directed by Geoffrey Sax.

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I will admit I did like this film,I have seen Michael Keaton the Bad Guy,The Hero,the comedy star,the manic star,but this is the first horror film I've seen him in. A story about  a man who loosing his wife,and then struggling to cope with his bereavement,and learning about possibly contacting the dead using White Noise,and that the dead use the same method to contact the living. Well it worked twice in the Poltergeist movies,the original and the remake.
The thing is with all movies,the same message is you never mess with the afterlife,and you try to contact one person,and some evil spirt gets through,the same is with this movie. Jonathan Rivers,wife Anna goes missing on a stormy night,she is presumed dead,as flood waters has engulfed her car,when a strange man approaches Jonathan that his wife is Infact dead,and has been contacting him via EVP,or the static created through untuned channels on radios,or TV's.
When her body is eventually found,Jonathan becomes obsessed with the ide…

The Unleashed (2011)Film Review Directed by Manuel H. Da Silva.

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A film that could have been a credible alternative to the dreadful ouija,but actually ended up worse if that is posdible. The story of Madison Kennard,who returns to her family home to sell it after the death of her Mother. A woman with memories plagued with sorrow,witnessing her Father Commit suicide,as a child,and her memories of a childhood haunted by spirits.

 Lindsay her childhood friend turns up to help Madison,with the sale of the house. With a get together with former friends at the house,and a Ouija board being found in the attic ,they mess with it one night,to have spirits returning to the house,and Lindsay being possessed by some Demon. It turns out the Kennard family has been cursed from the start,as in the 1890's her great great Grandfather,stole the idea of the Ouija,from a mystic old woman,that had already raised a Demon,forcing her to have an unexpected long life,because of her curse to the Kennard family.

 As I said earlier this could have been a very good film,w…

The Conspiracy (2013) Film Review.Directed by Christopher MacBride

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Who do you thing runs the world, politicians?
Have you heard of the word The New World Order. Where just one organization can control everything.
Well this found footage is what may explain everything. Based loosely on true events,and we are never sure if this is fake,or a real story,with  two filmmakers Aaron and Jim making a documentary about conspiracy theories, the usual theories come up 911, JFK assassination.

They centre the whole documentary around a local man known as Terrance G who wears a sandwich board,and through a loud megaphone,spouts conspiracy theories. The film makers think he is a nut job,but will make a great character for the documentary. The problem is when they meet him,he is not a lunatic,but has generally interesting ideas about everything.

 He tells his theories about world tragedies all linked to one secret organization called  The Tarsus Club and has linked every world  event to this organization. When this Guy one day just disappears,his apartment trashed,…

X Files season 10 first episode review. My Struggle,Created By Chris Carter. Network Fox Us,Channel 5 UK.

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After a 13 year hiatus,Chris Carter finally revealed that a short mini-series of the X Files was due to return,on a short six episode run. Mulder and Scully  was to return once more,being the last time we saw them was in 2008 on an Unrealated X Files mission, I Want To Believe.
The opening episode starts off with the back story of Mulder's sister,being abducted,when he was twelve,and his determination to reveal the truth,and what he believes he knows so far,we then cut to the Roswell crash in the Nevada desert in 1947. Straight away I thought this was going to be the same old story,but immediately I was surprised and hooked,when a conspiracy journalist approaches Mulder, to explain to him everything the Government tells you is lies,and goes into talking about a possible New World Order,with people with extreme power controlling the world,very similar to the movie Conspiracy,about the Taursas organisation,that practically run the world.
Now I love conspiracy stories,I'm a strong b…

The Chosen (2015) Film Review. Directed by Jeremy Kagan. Distributed by Terror Films.

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I watched this today,and although it is awful,it is still incredibly watchable,making his acting debut is,internet, and YouTube star Kian Lawley. Yes I had never heard of him either,but infairness it is not a bad debut,as I had no idea who he was. He does a decent job in this strange film about choices,who lives,who dies,who will be sacrificed to the appease the Demon.
Anyway think of every horror film made in previous years,especially those on possession,and this film ticks all the cliche boxes,a young girl,the Niece of Kian's character Cameron,has her soul taken by some Demon,a child stealer,and her soul will be lost forever. To save her soul,Cameron has seven days to make six sacrifices of the girls same blood line,or her soul will be lost forever.
That is the plotline quite a simple one,and in all fairness is why it works,a dysfunctional family anyway,Cameron is living in a house with his Mum,Uncle,Grandparents,with his Grandpa catatonic with latter stages of Dementia,with his o…

Honeymoon. (2014) Film Review. Directed by Leigh Janiak. Distributed byMagnolia Pictures.

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This is really an interesting film,an American film with really only two actors in the whole movie,but keeping you enthralled throughout. The fact the two leads Are actually British actors,in which I didn't know till I had researched the film afterwards. Starring the very lovely,and incredibly pretty Rose Leslie, a Sctotish Actress,who is known in Game Of Thrones,and Harry Treadaway who is known from his character work on the TV series Penny Dreadful.

A story of a blissfully happy,recently Married couple. Still very much in love,with happy hormones and endorphins of love flying every direction. Being absolutely besotted with each other,with Sex Morning,Afternoons, and nights regularly for the first part of their blissful Honeymoon. At first I actually thought no one can actually be that in love and completely happy,but this is the most integral part of the story,and what makes this film even more terrifying.
When Honeymooning in her Childhood vacation cabin,somewhere in Canada, B…

Final Girl (2015) Film Review. Directed by Tyler Shields. Distributed by Cinedigm

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Don't hunt what you can't kill

Although this film has millions of hits on YouTube,being one of the most successful trailers since Smilely,even I was taken in by it,thinking it looks pretty decent. I didn't like the film, although it was different,to most other revenge type thrillers,it definitely has that indie school of film making feel to it. In the end the whole film just doesn't seem to make no sense whatsoever,and we never have explained why Wes Bentley's character wants to train her,for all her childhood life,for reasons unknown,as the Boys who she faces later would only have been children like her at that time.
I suppose we wouldn't have a film then would we. The film is a simple one four  very unhinged boys,who like to hunt in the woods,but not prey,but very young Girls,especially Blondes.
We then cut to 12 years earlier with a man William talking to an orphan girl named Veronica,and asking her if she wanted to take part in special training. We now see…

All The Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006).Film Review. Directed by Jonathan Levine. Distributed by Miramax US

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This is a strange film, that believe it all not is almost 10 years old now,but due to a limited release in the UK first in 2008,on DVD, the film was not given a Stateside release till 5 years later. Due to rights in the US on who actually owned this film,as the original film makers,and independent film company went bust. It was later required by the Weinstein film company,and was released on a limited cinema run,and then straight to on demand services in 2013.
I am a resident in the UK and  I had heard of this film from 2008, but never really bothered to rent,or watch it. But the UK press I remember at the time quite praised the film, likening it to the early works of Tobe Hooper on Texas Chainsaw Masacre. This was the film debut of Amber Heard,a formal model,who even doing this film was not really noticed till her role with Nicholas Cage in Drive Angry,and in John Carpenters The Ward.
The story is of a slasher film nature,but a very clever one,with a fantastic twist that I did not s…

Exits (2015) Film Review. Directed by Eduardo Sánchez. Distributed by Lionsgate

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Following my review of The Bigfoot tapes we have another movie,this time by Eduardo Sánchez,the co-director of the scariest found footage films, The Blair Witch Project. The film points out at the start,that Bigfoot,or Sasquatch is normally a passive creature,that is only aggressive if provoked.
Well we have the usual car full of young adults,two brothers,a friend and girlfriends in tow,going to their Uncles Cabin in the woods for a weekend,of go-pro fun,with mountain bikes,and dips in the lake.
The problem is they seem to be being watched,and stalked by some unseen creature,with the usual weird noises at night,and very quick glimpse's of a human type creature in the woods.  I'm being honest with this film,my only gripe is we see far too much of the creature later on in the movie. Sometimes seeing less is more,why did the Blair Witch work so well? Because it had massive amounts of suspense,without the viewer not quite understanding what is happening. In this film it is balls out,h…

THE BIGFOOT TAPES (2013)Film Review. Directed by Stephon Stewart.Distributed by Signature UK.

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I will be honest with you all I found this film in my local pound shop,sealed,brand new i thought well only a quid so I gave it a go. Distributed by Signature films,who are quite an upcoming DVD production company with over 250 titles now of independent films.

What can I say is it is not the best to be honest,but trust me I have seen a hell of a lot worse,and even paid more money for worse films. Yes once again it is of the found footage genre,then again these films are cheaper to make,produce, so it is why a lot of first time directors use this method of filming.

 This film though should really be brought under the UK laws trade and descriptions act,as the film doesn't really contain a Bigfoot monster at all. As the DVD cover suggest,I think the film makers were going on the back of Troll Hunter,to encourage views. This film is a simple one,and very short at 79 minutes long,about a threesome of film makers doing a documentary on the legendary Bigfoot, in the California backwoods.…

Residue Tv Series (2015) Directed by Alex Garcia Lopez. Produced by John Harrison,Charlotte Walls, Written by John Harrison,and Alex Garcia Lopez, currently on Netflix.

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This is a very strange Indie TV series,very short also at only three episodes,by the creator and director of the Channel Four series Misfits, Alex Garcia Lopez.            I have seen it and,it is a strange one,a dystopian future,in an unknown British City,with a very clever nod to Blade Runner,but on a smaller budget obviously,with the Chinese element prevalent,with Signs in English,and Chinese,plenty of backstreet Chinese restaurants. We have no flying cars,but we do have neon buildings.
With a very strong British cast starring Natalia Tena,who is known for two Harry Potter films,and a starring role in Game Of Thrones,Iwan Rheon,famous for his roles in Misfits and Game Of Thrones,and Finally Jamie Draven,who we have seen in the ITV series Ultimate Force,with other film roles In Badlands,and his most famous role as the older brother in Billy Elliot.
A story of a chemical explosion on New Years Eve killing hundreds in a Nightclub,with the British Home Office immediately clearing the area…

TurboKid (2015) Film Review.

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If you are a child of the eighties,you will totally get this film,imagine all the apocalyptic films made in this decade, Hell Comes To Frogtown,Cherry 2000, The Adventures of Bukaroo Banzai,mixed with BMX Bandits,then you will get this film.

Deliberately filmed to look like an eighties film. Including the fabulous menus you get when you put the disk in,which is made to look like a VCR interface. I'm being completely honest I absolutely bloody loved this film. I love films,but not many really let me in, I can count on my one hand the films that have made me say "WOW" the last film was Kick Ass in 2010.

So you can see I watch hundreds of films a year,and to see two WOW films in 5 years,is pretty decent for me. The film is perfection,and it is a film that really shouldn't work,but it does so well. To the over the top gore,and blood,bodies exploding,heads being decapitated by flying saw blades, Michael Ironside completely camping it up as the bad guy. And the best perfo…

The Maze Runner The Scorch Trials(2015) Directed by Wes Ball. Distributed by 20TH Century Fox.

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I had thought long and hard at whether I include this movie on my blog,and after watching it, I think I have a legitimate  reason too.
It is actually bloody scary in places,with Zombified humans desperate to pass the virus on, called the 'Cranks' in fairness the zombies in this are far more scarier than World War Z,and this being a 12 certificate in the UK,and PG13 in the US.

Yes we have another film based on a popular children's book series,with The Hunger Games, now completed,with Divergent another series still being filmed. This is actually the second book,and film of the franchise,and it is not bad. It carries on straight from the first movie.

If you haven't heard of the series,I will give a quick recap,the earth has been ravaged,by the collapse of the sun,scorching Earth,alongside this a virus has broken out,called 'The Flare' taking over the rest of humanity. With only so many immune left on Earth,the children are the future apparently,as they are the im…